dead on target Blood has hark back to us ! Pick up right where it left off last year , and find out what happen to Vampire Bill , how Jason ’s member is doing , and who is dream sexing ! NSFW screengrabs .
Welcome back True Blood , it ’s been right smart too long since I ’ve keep an eye on a werepuppy and a stick - in - the - clay lamia waggle their half - open mouths suggestively at each other . But no more will I go hebdomad without needless virile ass shot and over - the - pinhead angles . Last night was the season premiere of the 3rd season of honest bloodline and the return of Alan Ball ’s unfermented , sweet one hour mind fuck . We missed you handsome fella !
The first episode for time of year 3 was a slow sunburn . It seemed like the bulk of the meter was spent getting the rest of the macrocosm up to speed on what happened last season . Fair enough . There were a lot of annoying appearances by Tara ’s Bible - straddling , weepy - eyed mother . Plus they dragged the Queen ’s horrible carcass back into frame with Eric one more time , just to remind you how terrible she truly is . But there were also fistfulls of Jason - isms , Lafayette one - liners and nakedness . So really it was profits for both newcomers and trubie alumni . While the audience did n’t learn a tidy sum about what was going to find this yr , I think we ’re all on the same page now as to who will be fucking what and who and so forth in the future . You lie with , the important stuff . And with that said , countenance ’s get to the Pros and Cons sequence recap .
Pro : Show starts right where they leave off last year . Bill has been vamp - nap and Sookie is still wear the french twist up - do she tragically determine to disport last year . Granted , that ’s her style . Do n’t get me wrong , I wish Anna Paquin , but Sookie is intolerable . Fingers cross this year she will act like a human being .
Pro : Sam is still on his on his pilgrimage to find his long , lost family . And just in sheath he forgets where he ’s drop dead , Sam taped the honest-to-goodness note with the city written on it to his dashboard , for niceness ’s sake . The secure part is it ’s not even direction – just the name of the Ithiel Town and state of matter .
Pro : Jason is freaking out over dash Eggs in the head . Which means the straight Blood custom of shop on Jason ’s inadequate fiddling brain will plausibly continue . first-class .
Pro : Also call up when Eggs go bad everyone ? Good time . No large time . Hugs all around . I am still beam over this . Tah - tah grin cry son with the diminutive neck and jest - inducing abs . Go sex punch someone else in the aspect . There was n’t a practiced enough impression of Eggs being all idle , so here ’s one from last year . Hooray !
Pro : Jessica finds the peak Hoyt left for her , oh of class he did . We love you Hoyt . We also sleep with that second after Jessica squeezes her special peak from her exceptional man , she turns around and drag a half drained body through her front door . Oopsie . Vampires !
Pro : attend Vampire Bill is alert ! turn out he was kidnapped by what seems to be a mathematical group of buirdly bikers , push back a BMW . possibly they ’re doctors on the weekdays and on weekend they form the “ Fuck You Crew , ” like Wild Hogs . Then they make fun of Bill for corrode at a “ frog ” restaurant . make if there ’s one things these thugs detest more than vampire Bill , it ’s French Food !
Pro : TITLES ! saltation motherfuckers .
professional : Everyone thinks Sookie ’s “ I need a minute to think ” crap answer to Vampire Bill ’s very nice proposal is such bullshit . It was . You are a dread someone Sookie .
Pro : Andy is freak out out , because he did n’t kill Eggs . It ’s ok kill Eggs was a good thing no matter who pulled the tirgger . Also , Andy is seemingly grave , not certain how I feel about that . I do however feel great about go steady Terry again . “ We should separate each other we do it each other more often . From now on countenance ’s tell each other that more . ” We love you too Terry .
inmate : We ’re only 6 minutes into the newfangled time of year and already Tara is contend to get re - crowned the worst smile - crying angry incubus of a human being in Bon Temps . Gaah Tara , I do n’t know if it ’s because you ’re pen this way , but already I ’m just exhausted with your shtik . “ Trash is as trash does . ” Forrest Gump lines , really ?
Pro : Thankfully Arlene saves the day with this piddling zinger , “ I ’m drab you fell in love with a serial killer alright ? But candidly who here has n’t ? ” And then ruins her second of victory by drop this terrible gem , “ I hate when ‘ they ’ make everything about raceway . ” Ah Arlene always one tone forward and two stair back .
Pro : Lafayette steals tequila , of course he does .
Pro : Wacthing Jessica adjudicate to touch on her little situation is like watching a kid endeavor to mend a baby chick they pink out of a Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree with a rock ‘n’ roll . It was sad , and honest , and we all be intimate it ’s only going to get much , much worse . Well , we hope .
Pro : “ diddly-shit piece of ass shit nookie shit ass . ” Man we ’ve been there Jessica . The best part of witnessing Jessica unravel is you never really take the fact that she ’s schlepping around a gargantuan stiff severely . It ’s sweet-smelling baby Jessica , she did n’t mean it . In fact you in reality pop out have-to doe with to her . Oh man remember that time you stole all that liquor from the hard drink console , pledge it , then threw up in your school backpack and had to hide out it in the closet so your mom would n’t recover it ? That ’s exactly like this , except with a all in body .
That is how good of an actress Deborah Ann Woll is .
Pro : Jessica ’s everything ’s all right face .
Moving on , there ’s no fourth dimension for Jessica because Sookie is still looking for Bill , have ’s go to Fangtasia !
Pro : Pam ’s first turnout of the season .
inmate : Sookie there is ALWAYS time for more of Pam ’s sapphic weirdness , shut out your mouthpiece .
Con : Sookie not getting the “ Eric indisposed at the moment ” phrase from Pam . This think he ’s having sex with something . It ’s like this is your first time at Fangtasia . Sheesh .
Pro : You acknowledge who HAS been to Fangtasia and have sex how to fitly clip for the latex sexin ’ ? Artie from Glee ! Here he is , note this is n’t from last nighttime ’s installment but the first season of genuine Blood , but we did n’t know who he was then . retention !
Pro : Turns out Vampire Bill is not there , but you sleep with who is ? Vampire Eric and his big lamia member , or something . Sorry what else did they require us to think with this ridiculous sexuality lair scenario . Plus , um can you think when he turned around , goodness True Blood .
Pro : So yada yada Vampire Eric has vampire gender with his vampire phallus for over 6 hours ! That ’s a batch for lamia good ? I dunno I have nothing to compare it too . I do bed that is sounds a lot good than having gross UTI causing dirt sex with Vampire Bill . Plus one for Vampire Eric in time of year 4 .
Pro : And finally the over - the - boob ass shot . Well done everyone .
Now back to BILL !
Con : The kidnappers make SLURPING noises while drinking on Bill . Seriously .
Pro : The biker kidnappers are super addicted to vanadium - juice which means the drawing card of the crew can make his minions do “ sunny material ” for more quintuplet - juice and his use , oh boy these guys are going to be a lot of fun already I can tell .
Pro : Andy and Jason , reunited and it feels so good . Also this present moment devote parturition to the “ scruples off , dick on ” line . Classic True Blood . Carve that shit on my tombstone .
Pro : Anyone else surprised when Sookie add up in to her sign of the zodiac , saw Tara crying and did n’t at once go ME ME ME ME ME ME BILL BILL BILL BILL , * inhale randomness * ME ME ME ME ME ME BILL BILL BILL . Good for you Sookie , this is character growth .
Con : Tara ’s stages of grief go from awful , terrible , annoying to even more dreadful than we ever thought conceivable .
Meanwhile , back at Fangtasia .
bunko game : Vampire Eric is wearing his sexy karate child komono and give free cell headphone ear piece . Because when you ’re hunch a young Fangtasia dancer in your sexual practice lair for 6 hours you need both hands , AMIRITE ? ? ? Eep gesh son . Should have used Skype .
Pro : But no clip for dated vampire accessories , Bill ’s “ call ” Sam , in his pant . Let ’s not forget last episode Sam drank a muckle of Vampire Bill ’s line of descent . And you guys know what that means , aphrodisiacal dream for Sam about Bill . Thank you so much honest Blood for not even attempting to wait and show this puppy boy on honest-to-god lamia human being sex scene later on in the season . This is why we see you .
inmate : I do n’t think either of them were into it .
Pro : Hoyt .
Pro : First ever real Jason - ism . “ If you really require to get laid soul life up , secern the truth about them . ”
inmate : Sam meets some guy named Tommy who is a mechanic . But not the Tommy he ’s face for , who is also a mechanic , and works at that garage , say “ other Tommy . ” So clearly this is not the same Tommy as the Tommy that work there . No way . Definitely not .
Con : The Queen . “ Remember me ? I ’m the worst and sometimes a lesbian . But I do n’t consider in label , or time . Yes , I am really awing . ” The vampire fag of Louisiana is back and talking in her bestest “ adult ” voice , prancing around like a 13 - year - old playacting out The Glass Menagerie . While I admit , I ’m still fairly soaked at Evan Rachel Wood for all but ruining this role last year with her wooden delivery and “ lookame I ’m represent ” personality on television camera , this scene was no supporter . She ’s beyond unbearable . In fact when she was “ play like she was acting ” that she was abhorred at the mere thought of Phoebe - juice selling , when we know she ’s really the lamia angel , it was like having broken trash ground into my skin . To think what this theatrical role could have been , it ’s uncheerful .
Pro : But on the funny “ That ’s so Raven / True Blood ” side I love that the Queen , and the Magistrate , put in the next plot parentage of silly politically charge hidden meanings . Vampire blood is only for procreation , not pleasure . But wait – were n’t lamia rights being compared to gay rights , and therefore the vampires “ coming out of the coffin ” were , in a sense a metaphor for gay Americans ? And then last time of year we threw in the church service ’s stance against vampire / jovial rights . But now vampire descent being used for anything but procreation is sacrilege ? Does that make five - juice drinkers like the vampire - napping bikers the new gay metaphor ? And the head lamia Magistrate guy the new “ malefic conservative church ” ? Honestly , none of it matters because mixed metaphors are to True descent what blowup and Venetian red tones are to Michael Bay . And it ’s kind of funny to listen to it .
bunko game : This is the second metre Jason has called Hoyt Bubba this episode . Does this mean no Bubba ?
Pro : “ right I am a Lab . ” Jason have a go at it what form of dog he is .
bunco : “ Hell hath no furiousness like a vampire tabby broke . ” Again , just terrible .
Pro : Sooke gets pay . And Pam has an orgasm “ call ” from Eric , and a gravid unexampled outfit .
Pro : Lafayette squall Pam a hooker . Pam bends him over and puts him in his place , “ You pickin up what I ’m puttin ’ down ? ” I love you both . And I got ta say its just frightful having more Pam this time of year . Seriously you ’re a wonderful , wonderful ex - hooker , lesbian lamia .
Con : Tara ’s mom and this Bible shit , have n’t we been down this road before ? Enough .
Pro : Jason ’s penis apocalypse . Ladies , consider this a favor – everything Jason puts his prick inside is ruined forever . So Jason not being able to have sexuality because he maintain seeing hummer pickle in everyone ’s head , is a honest matter for these two girls . Also yikes bullet golf hole read/write head . Now that Jason ’s confidential weapon system has been take away from him , how will he make do ? And thus another True Blood plot wraps itself around Jason ’s humanity .
Con : Sookie and Jessica incur Bill ’s car . Ah shit there goes my whole theory about the BMW biker gang , of line the BMW car is Bill ’s what was I intend ? ? ? Ugh disaster , oh well it was fun while it lasted .
Pro : Tara downs a bottleful of pills , dare we dream ?
yardbird : authoritative soundbox identification marks , there ’s an app for that . HA hour angle HA hour angle hour angle HA I ’m just kidding , she was on a Blackberry , or something . clear agency less laughable .
Pro : More puppy ! You must admit , real beast are much coolheaded than CG wolves . bring in on the vampire woman chaser fight .
Until next week .
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